I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
