i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
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