My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
