It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
