I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
