I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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