So drunk, too bad you don't want this
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
