throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
