I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
