you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
