I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
