Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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