My underwear smells like fireworks.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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