Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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