I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
