maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
