hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
