The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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