The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
