If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize