I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
