There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
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