My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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