My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Michael Bay diarrhea
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
