is your mom at the bar?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
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What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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