We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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