No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.