Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
