I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
