Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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