actually, I'm a sock model
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
