saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Bring me that man meat
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