In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
