my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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