how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
