i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
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Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
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I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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