Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
