i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
When did angry sex become our thing?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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