girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
