I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
