Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
