so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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