if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
