My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
