dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Randomize
