he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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