Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
