All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
