Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
