I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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