You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
