Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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