i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
