I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
