those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
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