I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
