The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
