If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
