I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
