Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
