Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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