Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
